Drunk
by write4evr
Summary: If I just ignored it, I might make it through the night. If I told myself he was drunk, didn't know what he was saying, and didn't mean any of it, I'd be okay...


**…Meh. Happy Easter, right? -_-**

"Come on, Jace."

The blonde turned his head to the side and gave me a dopey grin. I rolled my eyes and motioned for him to get out of the care. "Alright, alright. Keep your pants on, Allie…"

I bit my lip as a pang of hurt hit me dead on. I wish he'd stop with the nicknames. I knew he'd never use them if he wasn't like this—if he wasn't completely _drunk. _He didn't even think he _was _drunk though, oh no, he had no memory of calling me from the beat up, crappy little bar he'd been at, slurring his words and asking me to pick him up. I'd tried being angry, sounding stern, when' I'd been talking to him, but I couldn't be. I was talking as if I was speaking to a five year old; probably because that's what he sounded like at the moment. There was this certain tone to his voice that made him sound so…childish. Happy. Needy.

I kept one arm around him, and he gladly threw one of his over my shoulders, as we moved towards the door to the Institute. I walked him over to the elevator as soon as we were in, and as I got it moving, he started talking to the wall.

Oh, for the love of the Angel…

Why was I putting up with this? Jace has been as good as gone for six months, and after not even a _week _of being back, he goes and does _this? _He didn't even tell me what caused it, not that he had to. When he'd begun talking to Isabelle and I again, he'd kept hinting at something being wrong between him and Clary. They were probably fighting, or something, not that that would be a surprise. All those two ever did was fight—they set of the worst in each other. Not that _they _understood that…

But I did. I knew what was right for Jace, and what wasn't. And Clary definitely fell under the 'wasn't' category.

"You're cute…"

I blinked in shock as I was pulled out of my thoughts. "_What, _Jace?" I asked, trying not to sound angry, or shocked, or…anything that might upset a drunk person.

Jace looked at me and innocently repeated, "You're cute." He paused, tilted his head to the side, and then added, "Can I have a hug?"

I shook my head, and opened the elevator as it came to a stop. "Let's go, Jace…" I mumbled, taking one of his hands and leading him down the hall.

"Does this mean I get a hug…?"

I shook my head and opened the door to his room. If I just ignored it, I might make it through the night. If I told myself he was drunk, didn't know what he was saying, and didn't mean any of it, I'd be okay.

When we were in his room, he immediately walked over to his bed and flopped down onto it. With the same innocent look on his face and the same happy voice, he asked, "Hey, Alec…come to bed with me?"

I forced a grin onto my face and made myself laugh quietly. "Tired, are you, Jace?" I asked, leaning again his door frame.

He nodded, his eye lids heavy and his eyes unfocused. "Yup!"

"Then why don't you go to sleep, okay?" I suggested gently, keeping the false grin on my face.

Jace, instead of answering, studied me, keeping his eyes trained on my face. "Come here, Allie…" He said eventually.

I groaned inwardly, walked over, and sat on the edge of his bed. "What's up, Jace?" I asked.

"I love you." He said, a small smile on his tired face.

My grin wobbled, but I forced it back into place. _He doesn't mean it, he's drunk, _I reminded myself. But of course, I knew that. I knew that better than anything else. I was more _aware _of that than anything else. Because, the fact that he was drunk and didn't mean it was what made it hurt. I wish he meant it. I wish he meant all of the things he's said to me tonight.

But, of course, he didn't.

"I love you too, Jace." I said softly, keeping my grin plastered across my face as I fought back tears.

Jace yawned. "Why ya smiling so much, Allie?" He asked, his heavy eyes curious.

"Because you always make me smile." I answered quickly, only half lying.

Jace giggled. "Okay. I'm glad." He said, and he yawned again.

"Maybe you should go to bed, Jace." I said gently again. He nodded.

"Okay. But…stay with me? Sleep with me?"

My heart broke. He'd never say anything like that, never want anything like that, if he was even _half _sober. I hate him. I swear to _God _I hate him.

"Yeah…maybe Jace. Give me a few minutes to…uh…change?" I asked, still smiling, still just telling him what he wanted to hear.

He nodded. "Okay Alec. I'll see you…in…two minutes?" He asked, holding up two fingers. I breathed a laugh. He'd be _out _in two minutes.

"Yeah, sure, Jace. I love you." I said softly as I stood up and made my way towards the door.

"Love you too, Alec…" I heard him mumble before I closed the door gently behind me. I walked slowly towards my own room, trying not to think, trying to keep my grin on my face, trying not to _think…_

God, I hate him.

I gave up and plopped down where I was in the hallway, leaning my head back against the wall. I felt hot tears slide quickly down my cheeks. _Why ya smiling so much, Allie?_

To keep myself from crying in front of you, dammit!

God, I wished more than anything that he meant all that he'd just said. A long, _long _time ago, he _would _have said all of that, and meant it. But that was years ago. We were kids then, as he would put it. He was confused.

I wasn't what he'd wanted, and he'd been sorry.

Did I believe he'd been sorry after he'd played with me, and broken my heart? I did. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. Jace was just…Jace. He played with people, it's what he did.

But I still did not believe for a second that he'd meant to hurt _me. _He wouldn't do that to _me…_

Or, that's what I was telling myself.

And now…what was he doing? Not talking to me, not acknowledging me _at all _for _six months, _and then randomly coming back, as if that was okay? Why would he _do _that?

And better yet…why would I _let _him?

Oh, that was a dumb question. I know why. It's because I love him.

I don't think Jace was meaning to hurt me. When he came back, it wasn't to make things harder on me. He probably thought he was helping us both out. He probably didn't think I still loved him—I mean, I'd had enough time to _get over it. _

But I couldn't. I still loved him, and probably always would.

I knotted my fingers in my hair. God, I hated what I was letting him do to me. I hated loving him and letting him tear me apart.

I just…I don't want to love him anymore. I want to be able to love other people without feeling like I'm cheating on _him, _not even _them, _when I'm dating someone else. I wish I was at a point where I didn't wish he'd meant everything he'd said to me tonight.

And I fucking wish that I would be able to _not _forgive him when he apologizes for this tomorrow.

I leaned my head back against the wall again. But I would forgive him. I always forgave Jace.

Because I loved him, no matter how much he hurt me or how drunk he was or how stupid he decided to be, or how much he loved Clary. It didn't matter how much he talked to me, or paid attention to me, or wanted me.

I loved him. And that's the way it always would be.

**Hello there, darling reader who forced themselves to read that the same way Alec forced himself to smile! I wasn't going to post this, but I did, because I never post stuff on here anymore. Anyway, it's based on a real event, just like every other crappy thing I've been putting on here lately. Hope you didn't hate it too much, because I know I sure as hell did.**

**But, I still love yall.**

**~Matti**


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